The Sins of My Mother

I found this verse spoke to my heart very strongly recently and I’ve been rolling it over in my head for awhile. One of my greatest challenges is trust. Trusting God, trusting family, trusting friends–trusting everyone. I live in pretty constant anxiety because I can’t trust. Living one’s life with the fear of someone hurting you or taking advantage of you can have a devastating impact on quality of life. I find myself incapable of sharing my heart fully with anyone, causing me to feel alone, isolated, and misunderstood. And since I have a tough time trusting God, it makes it hard to have hope.

My mother is the one that taught me not to trust anyone. My dad a little bit, but mostly my mom. She watches far too much Law and Order and Lifetime Movie Network. I remember her coming into my room at night when I was young to tell me all the awful things people do to other people on he shows: mental abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse. She often told me never to trust a police officer, a fireman, a religious leader, a teacher, a doctor. No one can be trusted. A couple months ago my brother asked her if there was anyone in the world she trusts and she said no. My parents have been married for 30 years, my aunt and uncle are around, and my grandmother is still alive. But even with all that family and childhood friends, there is no one in the world she trusts.

One of the greatest challenges with this is my mom doesn’t even care. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she says, “I didn’t want you to be afraid, I want you to be aware,” “Well you know you have a problem, you fix it,” “I managed to get married and live a normal life, if you want it bad enough, you’ll figure it out.” But I have found it to be very difficult trying to sort out my loneliness alone. I really do want to have friends and relationships, but I’m afraid and insecure.

I often like to finish my blog posts with a  bow of completion, but that’s inauthentic. I haven’t figured out this problem yet. If you have any recommendations on how to move forward in my life, please let me know.

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