The Sins of My Mother

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I found this verse spoke to my heart very strongly recently and I’ve been rolling it over in my head for awhile. One of my greatest challenges is trust; trusting God, trusting family, trusting friends, trusting people in general. I live in pretty constant anxiety because I can’t trust. Living one’s life with the fear of someone hurting you or taking advantage of you can have a devastating impact on quality of life. I find myself incapable of sharing my heart fully with anyone, causing me to feel alone, isolated, and misunderstood. And since I have a tough time trusting God, it makes it hard to have hope also.

My mother is the one that taught me not to trust anyone. She watches far too much Law&Order and Lifetime Movie Network. I remember her coming into my room at night when I was young to tell me all the awful things people (mostly men) do to other people (mostly women): mental abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse. She often told me never to trust a police officer, a fireman, a religious leader, a teacher, a doctor. No one can be trusted. A couple months ago my brother asked her if there was anyone in the world she trusts and she said no. My parents have been together for over 30 years, both my mother’s siblings are nearby, and my grandmother is still alive. But even with all that family and childhood friends, there is no one in the world she trusts.

One of the greatest challenges with this is my mom doesn’t even care. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she says, “I didn’t want you to be afraid, I want you to be aware,” “Well you know you have this problem, you can fix it,” “I managed to get married and live a normal life, if you want it bad enough you’ll figure it out.” But I have found it to be very difficult trying to sort out my feelings of loneliness, alone. I really do want to have friends and relationships, but I’m afraid and insecure.

I often like to finish my posts with a bow of completion, but that’s inauthentic. I haven’t figured out this problem yet and maybe some of you can help me. Do you have any advice or recommendations on how I can move forward in my life, learning to trust and connect with people. Please let me know your ideas. Thanks in advance.

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